Friday, December 26, 2008

Escape from La La Land

One week from tommorow

8 days

And I will load my bags in a car to leave for Miami

And one day later I board a plane for the Dominican Republic

And a new way of living

With a new family whom I barely know

I'm a bit reluctant to consider it and yet I find it bullies its way into my thoughts. I'm desperately trying to hang onto my denial that my life isn't drastically changing. Seems silly I know but I don't deal with change well so I find I bounce along in "it's no big deal" mode to avoid the onslaught of mixed emotions that lies boiling just under the surface.

In many ways it is like standing on the edge of a dream but reality has taught me to be careful of the expectations you place on such dreams. Maybe it's just my own knowledge of the faintness of my heart and the fear that so easily entagles me. The pressing "What good can you really do?", "You've duped yourself into this", "You're going to fall flat on your face and everyone you know will be watching" comments in my mind. I'm such a prideful little thing really.

So again, for the 50th time today, the 1000th time this week I lay aside the fear and pride and weakly squeak out my "Yes Lord" and try to reign my thoughts back into the present instead of the "what ifs" of what lies ahead.