Friday, December 26, 2008

Escape from La La Land

One week from tommorow

8 days

And I will load my bags in a car to leave for Miami

And one day later I board a plane for the Dominican Republic

And a new way of living

With a new family whom I barely know

I'm a bit reluctant to consider it and yet I find it bullies its way into my thoughts. I'm desperately trying to hang onto my denial that my life isn't drastically changing. Seems silly I know but I don't deal with change well so I find I bounce along in "it's no big deal" mode to avoid the onslaught of mixed emotions that lies boiling just under the surface.

In many ways it is like standing on the edge of a dream but reality has taught me to be careful of the expectations you place on such dreams. Maybe it's just my own knowledge of the faintness of my heart and the fear that so easily entagles me. The pressing "What good can you really do?", "You've duped yourself into this", "You're going to fall flat on your face and everyone you know will be watching" comments in my mind. I'm such a prideful little thing really.

So again, for the 50th time today, the 1000th time this week I lay aside the fear and pride and weakly squeak out my "Yes Lord" and try to reign my thoughts back into the present instead of the "what ifs" of what lies ahead.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I must be an alien

Family gatherings never cease to amaze me. I dread them actually. Every year I sit watching and listening, finding comfort in the fact that I am adopted into dad's family. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. I know it's wrong but mostly I've just given up even trying to relate.

Don't get me wrong, I do love them but I am undeniably a black sheep around here, well mom and I both are but even mom looks at me like I've lost my mind.

For instance. This morning at some point I was pulled out of my half dreamlike state and U2 tunes to discuss the probability of my finding "someone" while traveling the globe (of course since I'm the only grandkid not married). My mom quickly pointed out that I would be more than ok to meet an Australian (what can I say- it's the accent). A discussion then ensued that they wouldn't mind me marrying someone from another country as long as he is white. *sigh* I will never understand why the color of someone's skin matters so much, but knowing it's a losing battle in my family I just slipped back into my iPod world.

But there's more than just this type of archaic point of view that gets me. There's other issues like:

Who does hog hash for Christmas lunch? You might be a redneck if...

I've decided to use it as a training ground for life to come. At least here if I hate it I could complain, although that wouldn't be proper training so I'm going to try my best to eat and smile... report to follow later.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

listening. a lost art

"What time is registration?"
"10 to 3"
"You said 10 to 3?"
"Yes ma'am"
"That's 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.?"
"Yes ma'am"
(hang up phone)
(phone rings)
"Did you say I can come register at 10 a.m. tomorrow?"

I promise you this was one of my conversations today. I've had several of these conversations in the past week or so and they drive me crazy. The poor people in the office have had to listen to me growl and yell at the phone over and over. The associate pastor actually started taking some of the calls (I think he was afraid I was about to tell somebody off).

Why don't people listen? It annoys me to no end.

I'm beginning to believe that listening is a lost art. If people can't listen long enough to answer questions pertaining to their own needs/wants - do they ever actually stop and listen to someone else?