Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Broken car. Broken self.

Two days. 48 hours.

That's all.

And yet I'm going crazy. Yesterday I was just in tears. Can't go to work. Can't go anywhere else. Oh and of course the car is working fine for the mechanics. The washing maching is messing up. There's a thousand things I can't figure out and I can't personally fix and I've had nothing but time the past couple of days to be reminded of that.


So in my pondering and - when I finally got a clue - praying, I disovered something (it's amazing how often that happens when you pray...).

See I can handle lots of things, but let something happen to my vehicle and I fall apart like misbuilt swing set - tumbling, crashing and generally getting hurt in the process. Then I realized...

When something happens to my vehicle it's not about the vehicle at all, it's all about the fact that then my independence is being messed with. My ability to go anywhere, do anything and accomplish it all without the help of anyone goes out the door. Suddenly I'm at the mercy of others.

Not to mention that I'm no mechanic so I can't "fix" it either. And then all the other things that I can't "fix" all come flying up in my face at once and I'm left sitting on the sidelines wondering what just kicked me in the stomach. I realized that I've been on the verge of an anxiety attack the past few days, something I haven't had in a loooong time and it's all because I've been trying to be in control, to figure out a way to fix things.

I don't have the answers for why grandma's cancer is spreading and I can't fix it.

I don't have any idea how to raise thousands of dollars. I have less of a clue of how to approach my parents about the whole venture to begin with.

I don't have a clue how to fix the washer (maybe I should just start working on hand washing clothes)

And let's not forget, I can't fix the stupid car!

The good news is God hasn't asked me to try and fix everything. He hasn't said that I must have all the answers. He is the healer. He is the provider. He is the One who has everything under control and even though it looks crazy and out of control to me, He has it all.

Yeh, that's a good thing to remember...

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6


Abigail Joy said...

I have my car back today. It has new brakes so at least we know when I go to stop I should stop. The part that originally messed up, it's still there - costs too much. Oh well, maybe it was God's way of keeping my brakes from going out on me or something. My wallet is still hurting though :)