an update on life in random yet numbered form

For those who haven't heard all the recent updates let me give you a few things to laugh about:

1. About two weeks ago I found evidence of rodents making a playground out of my closet. Upon inspection I discovered a good size hole in the bottom of my closet, which of course in my opinion had to be taken care of right then. Since I was home alone that meant I had to do the handy work. One can of spray foam insulation, minus work goggles, later I was in the bathroom for 2o minutes rinsing out my eye. The spray thing got clogged, it went everywhere and conveniently missed the glasses and went into my eye. I managed to get it out myself but still had to make a trip to the eye doctor the next morning because of the irritation.

2. I'm now taking aikido lessons (a form of Japanese martial arts).
Amazingly this has not been the cause of any of my injuries so far, but has definintely caused more than a couple of laughs at my lack of balance and general clumsiness. Watch out world!

3. My latest injury happened this week and I'm still trying to get over it. I, apparently, pulled my calf muscle (a leg muscle) while playing the djembe (a hand drum) at church. I'm enjoying the irony of this one entirely too much. At least I'm off the crutches now but it's still being a pain.

4. Epsom salt blesses my life!

5. My desk has become World Race central and is covered with support letters, things to read, and a bunch of art supplies which recently feel quite neglected. (Steph I have not forgotten about your logo!)

6. I really, really, really miss the prayer room!

7. I think the Middleman is the best show on tv re-gosh darn it!

8. I'm supposed to be doing a yard sale at 7 a.m. tomorrow.... who wants to bet I'm not on time?!? :)

9. My new favorite workout dvd has become "Yoga for Wimps". How appropriate!

10. I can no longer think in sentence form so I must now retire to my bed.

Teach me to speak

Every once in a while you find yourself quiet before God and what He reveals to you isn't very fun. Instead you find it's very true and painful. And it's not revealed to you to condemn you and make you feel horrid, but to confront you with the truth so you will turn to Him and grow in your relationship.

The other day as I sat to just listen God spoke to my heart:
"You value the opinions of those around you more than the truth I am constantly singing over you. I am the good Father. I do not do things to make you fearful or embarrased. The things I ask of you are for your good."

As I dialogued with God over this issue, I came to realize that often I don't speak what's on my heart or do things I sense God is speaking to me because I don't want to offend others and I don't consider myself "skilled" enough to handle a not so positive reaction.

Exodus 4:12 "Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." (NIV)

God has promised to give us the words if we will step out in faith to be obedient to Him. He is in me and that will not always make others comfortable, but it's because the light in us confronts the darkness in them.

Walking it out and overcoming the insecurity is like playing drums. When you want to learn you listen to those who are masters in the art and you take note of the inricacies of what they play - dynamics, timing, etc - and then you practice. Over and over and over and over. And you mess up over and over and over and over. Then one day you find you can play the rhythms and it just naturally flows.

Accepted

Sometimes in life you get news that flips your world upside down. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's not. Either way the world flips and usually your stomach does a few somersaults of it's own too. You get that shaky feeling that everything you know is about to change.

It is interesting the mix of emotions that can come with a single word. Just one word can bring laughter, sorrow, peace, fear, or any number of other emotions and they all come crashing together in a cacophony that overtakes all your senses briefly.

I had that experience this week. I opened my email and there it was "accepted".

I'm not sure what reaction I expected from myself, but I can tell you that I just looked at the screen, felt for my chair with my hand, and trembling sat down and just stared. Pretty sure I took a few deep breaths, swallowed hard, and opened it. I couldn't even read the email because I couldn't comprehend it.

I felt like Melanie in Sweet Home Alabama when Andrew asks her to marry him and she says, "Are you sure?" Possibly not the best of analogies since they don't make it, but you know what I mean. I think somewhere in me, all this time, I've been expecting an "I'm sorry, but no" or something. Then I could look at God and say, "Hey I was obedient. I did the process, not my fault they didn't accept me."

And so I'm sure He was wearing a huge grin when I saw that e-mail and I whispered, "God I don't know that I can do this." But isn't that true? I can't do it. Physical fitness and bold actions aren't generally my forte. Asking people for support is reallllllllly not my idea of a good time. But showing the world that there is an indescribable God that loves each and every one more than we could ever grasp is on my heart, no matter the amount of excuses I try to front.

So I draw encouragement from Moses. The man who first said he was no good at speaking and needed someone to go with him and speak for him, and who became the man that went up into the dark cloud of thunder and lightenings to meet with God face to face on behalf of a people God had chosen and loved.

is it over yet?

It's one of those ridiculous days today.

The kind where no matter what you do, or don't do, you just feel like maybe you would be much more useful to the world if you'd never gotten out of bed. The kind of day where you just feel like you're not enough (good enough, doing enough, "Christian" enough, etc). One of those days where you're on the verge of tears and have no idea why.

*sigh*

Arise and Go Over This Jordan

Never have I been so fascinated by the Israelites 40 years of wandering around in the wilderness and then crossing the Jordan as I have been lately. It stated a couple of months ago when I moved by to Jordan St. for the third time and this nagging sense that somehow it all connected to the idea of crossing the Jordan. In the midst of moving, everyday life, etc. I really hadn't pursued such a study.

Then a couple of weeks ago I read an interesting series of blogs based off a teaching by Andrew Shearman about the 42nd Generation. In one of the blogs he speaks of the fact that the Israelites went through 41 cities and 40 years of wandering before coming to the 42nd stop of crossing the Jordan into their destiny. My curiosity was aroused as I sensed again God inviting me on a journey into this subject.

Being the ever so in tune and obedient daughter that I am, I read the blogs - even printing them off and highlighting a few things, promised myself to make some notes in my journal about it but turned in for the night exhausted and the highlighted papers are still at the edge of my bed, notes awaiting their place in my journal.

One day last week however as I sat in my room asking God to speak through His Word, to teach me, to awaken my heart that seems to keep pressing the snooze button just like I do every morning. He whispered to me...read Joshua 1. I can't say the reference rang any bells in my head, that is until I started reading. Yep, it's about preparing to cross the Jordan.

Maybe God's trying to tell me something?

So I sat down to read and began wondering what must Joshua be feeling? The last time they were about to cross into the Promised Land, the people doubted God and they spent 40 years eating manna and hanging out in the wilderness. He was there in the beginning. He and Caleb were the only two that believed God was on their side and would defeat their enemies, the rest of the people chose doubt and fear and wanted to stone Joshua and Caleb. (Numbers 14) He'd had this group turn on him before. Was he afraid it would happen again? What was it like after all those years, knowing that right across this body of water is the inheritance promised so long ago? Knowing that they will also have to fight for it? Crossing the Jordan meant going to war to claim that inheritance.

While reading through, I noticed that four times you see "Be strong and of good courage" in this short little chapter.

Be Strong and of Good Courage
1) Joshua be strong and courageous because you have a responsibility to the people as their leader. 2) You have an obligation to follow My word and law - to learn it, speak it and follow it.
3) Be strong and courageous because these things are not yours to handle alone, I am with you wherever you go and 4) the warriors are willing to pay the price - they remember their promise to Moses and are standing behind you in all that you command too.

Right after God points out Joshua's responsibilities to the Israelites and to the Book of the Law, He comes in and says "do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (v.9) God knows our tendencies to be overwhelmed, to get bogged down in the logistics and responsibilities, to take our eyes off Him. He's so lovingly saying over and over "I'm here. I'm with you. I know what you've faced and I know what you're about to come up against. You have no reason to fear. Trust in My love and promises. Arise and go over this Jordan."

Love Beyond Comfort

Reaching out
Pleading with unspoken words
Reflected through a piercing gaze
A dangerous undercurrent surrounds as
An unvocalized plea echoes

Turning to leave
Aware of my own inadequacies
Paralyzed by fear

Another voice resonates deep within
Small and still
Yet unquestionable in authority

Seek justice
Establish justice
Execute justice

I AM bigger than your fear
And this is one I love

Bits and Pieces

One of the joys of this blog is I'm pretty sure no one reads it unless I send them a link so I can feel at liberty to be as honest as I want to be and it doesn't have to be well thought out or versed or cute or whatever...

1. My references are turned in for my World Race app... on to the phone interview Friday at 2 p.m. *yikes!* Am I really doing this??? Have I totally lost my mind? (the answer to this one is a resounding Yes)

2. Speaking of my World Race app... what the heck happened? I turned it in and my life flipped upside down the next day. I feel like I've been in a constant battle ever since for me and my family. It's pretty ridiculous.

3. My eye hurts!! Consequently so does my head.

4. The Lord is gracious, slow to anger, He is rich in love, He is good to all!

5. "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

6. I watched a documentary called "The Bridge" about the Golden Gate bridge - the most popular suicide destination in the world. It a sad and frightening reality. All I could think of was how much God loved them and wonder if they knew that. Are there times when a simple friendly conversation could make someone change their mind? How often do we just pass by someone without even realizing the pain they are in? How imperative it is to be sensitive to the Lord.